What kind of life that I have.?

What kind of life that I have?? Have you ever think about this question.? I always asked myself.. This is because that I think my life were never being sailing very smooth and never been better.. I always comfort myself that GOD will always give trials for us to learn and will always be with us throughout the whole life.. It seems like things are turning around by what I'm thinking about.. Bible said that GOD is Almighty, Healer,  Refuge, Comforter, Supplier, and many others.. But it seems like Your blessing never fall upon my family and I.. Is it because I don't have faith enough.? I'm not holy enough.? Or, I just a stranger to Christ.?

It seems like GOD never bless me by prosperous but bless me with all the trials and difficulties.. I'm very tired to face such circumstances.. I not only have to carry my own burden, but family burden.. Won't You think that is too much for me to carry it with this young age.? I'm not even can take care of myself well, and have to take care of the whole family?? Where can I get those strength to do all this things? Christian used to said that You are our strength but it seems like I'm not the person that You will give strength to me..

Christian always said that rely on You, have hope in You, believe in You.. How do I can confirm that I rely on You, hope on You and believe in You?? Christian said that open the heart and accept You as saviour.. I did but how to confirm it?? I always heard that after accepted Christ as saviour will receive Your blessing, the Joy, Peace and Love.. Theological, yes but not in my life.. Then the question comes, "where's the Joy, Peace and Love that I am suppose to have after I ACCEPTED Christ??" Do my life worth only like that??

What comes out when I need You most to help me in my trouble.. You are more bigger than the problems, isn't it?? The most problematic that my family face never being solve by You..? How come..?

I'm so tired that I have ever to think that lying down for the rest of my life..

Such a long time

For such a long time I didn't back to here and write... I hope I seldom come to here too.. Once I come, sure there's some sadness that happened in my life.. I wonder, why is it always me.. Of course, I'd understood that there are many more who are more worst than me.. Anyway, I just maybe too weak that I can't stand on and face the problems..

Family,

I'd understand my position in family and I shouldn't be too naive about everything.. Instead of saying I'm useless, should I said that I'm not needed in the family.? Everything that happen in the family, for surely that I know nothing about it.. I started to blur whether I'm a part of the family or not.. Am I still very childish that can't help with the family problems.? I'm just like a person that transparent or precisely, a stranger in a family..

Friends,

Thank you so much for being a friend to me.. Anyway, allow me to apologize for being such a me to be friend with you.. I'm not sharp, not charm, not funny, and not popular.. So, I do understand that I'm not playing an important that in your life.. And of course, I'm not a person that very good to hang with.. For sure that I have done a lot of mistake or hurtful things that have hurt you directly or indirectly.. A transparent person like me, I know is my fault that not be in your mind always.. Just live a life that such as a transparent person..

Church,

A place where everyone should always want to go to every weekend.. However, for such a long time that I didn't feel any "home" family already.. Or precisely say that I'm not belong to the place.? Should I leave the place.? Or should I choose another domination.? Or GOD, do You exist that I always believed in.. Miracles will ever happen again in my life.? You mention that You didn't promise to give a smooth and easy life but will have many difficulties and trial.. However, You also did mention that You will be with us whenever we face any trials.. But why do I seldom feel You be with me..? Am I not important anymore..? I really very tired to face such problems again and again.. My shoulder not strong enough to carry the burden.. I hope You can help me carry it but it seems like the weight of the burden keeps on increasing..

Where's the place that is suitable to keep an useless, transparent and idiot like me..? Sorry for the world that a person like me do appear for such a long time.. Do hope that the end will come as soon as possible.. Is in Your will.. 

Feeling..

the first time ever that i've a feeling that don't wanna back sandakan and wanna stay back at kk.. i never had that feeling before.. i think is maybe because i knew some new friends here and have some interesting activities that i have joined recently.. i don't know whether it is good sign or not.. but i have decided to leave kk and back to sdk.. when i think back for my past few years at kk.. i just recognized that i've been "lock up" and didn't enjoy my uni life.. that's the main reason why i want to back to sdk badly.. recently, when i look to my life at kk. i felt the live that i should have it earlier.. however, i think i won't have that kind of live again.. anyway, just let it be..

Who do you think you are.?

Who the hell that you think you are..? By what authority that you think you can command or giving order to me..? You think you are the boss around and can give order to me..? You are definitely wrong, you moron.. You don't have the authority to do so also.. you are just a jerk and a bitch that always wearing a fake mask and act cute.. from the moment i saw your stupid face, it just make me want to vomit.. your stupid face really so suck and so fake.. act innocent, hardworking, and even act that you want to fall down.. your stupid acting are just a failure.. maybe its work for others, but for me.. sure i will not being deceive by you... and one more thing, you are just a dog that following others tail and style.. don't think that you are so great and being proud of it.. for me, you just a following tail dog.. a dog will only barks.. when need help, act so innocent.. when being reject and don't want to help, straight change to a dog that only know how to barks.. don't think yourself so great lar, dog... a stupid barking dog...

Feel so DISAPPOINTED...!!!

Really really disappointed.. just by two being attack by two surprising news which are bad to me.. Although i know that it is not good for me to compare with each other.. But it still hurt me and my heart feel the pain.. I do actually can say I have put a lot of effort in the things i did.. But my marks are not higher than a person who just prepare for the observations.? I have put a lot of efforts into the class.. However, people just will judge according to what they saw.. I should learn that earlier.. No need to be so hardworking and put too much efforts into something that people cannot see.. How doomed I am.. For the past 14 weeks, I put a lot of efforts into the students.. The result that i got was just not as what I hope for.. How disappointed I am now.. Felt like there is no hope for me already.. Really cannot hope for what i have planned earlier.. Well, everything have been settled and just hope that there's miracle that will happen in my life.. Otherwise, in the future will be my time to suffer for the whole of my life..

GOD, I believe that everything that happen must got the reasons.. I also believe that everything that happened today also were in Your planning.. Please do hear my prayer, O LORD.. I really need to score a high marks to glorify Your Name and also to lighten up my family's burden.. May all the Glory and Honor be to You, my GOD..

Awful April...

What an awful April.. I'm trying so hard to get my situation to calm down.. However, things were not follow in what was already planned earlier.. I'd tried so hard so that my teaching practical may grade at least an A to aim for a higher cgpa.. But things were not goes as planned.. The course leader went to observed by a sudden and not in a good timing.. He came in the most worst timing and the most busy time.. How can a person be always prepared for everything when busy.. However, it finished and past.. What I can do is just pray hard that he will not downgrade my grade just by the 30 minutes observation.. Secondly, I'm just very unlucky for this month as I also being observed by "Nazir".. What an unfortunately month.? As a trainee, yes, it is a very good experience.. But by the meantime, wouldn't it was too much for me to carry.? Sometimes, I just think that "it is just a coincidence or it is a trial for me.?" Well, that also had past as time never stop ticking.. Thanks GOD for guiding me to have a good ending of the month of April. Finally, before April comes to the end, I've two observation by my mentor in a row for 2 days straight in a week.. What a tough week that I have been through.. However, for the last observation, I'd have compliments and improvement in my teaching.. Thank you so much to my mentor who taught me a lot in teaching methods, classroom management and etc. For the coming day, I have to prepared for my last observation by my supervisor from my university. I hope that everything will run smoothly and will get great compliment for my teaching practical. Just hope that I can apply the ptptn change to scholarship to avoid my debts and the lighter my family burden. Lastly, the time has come to almost the end of my teaching practical.. I so miss my students.. They all are just like the little angels that teach me, play with me and also have fun with me.. Although sometimes, they are quite naughty.. But just shows that they are kids and enjoying their lives..

Besides of my teaching practical, I do also have to faced a lot of gossips.. Yes, is gossips.. I never thought that I would ever have gossips over here at here, KK.. It is just too terrible.. What had push me down at my hometown, once again have come to against me.. Well, i guess that what we called "wherever the people are, the gossips will never fade from them".. Well, I would not like to explains what they have gossips about me because I would never want to hear that anymore as I have bored of hearing that kind of things.. I'm trying not to listen and talk gossips about others, just simply because I don't want that kind of things come against me again.. I also knows that the impact of the gossips.. However, things were not run as what I thought.. What do you not like others to do to you, please do not do to others.. But, reality no matter how the things go, others will still do it even though you don't do it.. Moreover, others will not stop gossips about you.. For me, never try to explains, never try to join in the gossips, and think positively.. That's my cure.. If you explains, others will think that you hiding the truth.. If you, join the gossips, what different that you with the others.. Think positively is because that you is a good topic for them to discuss.. Means you are far more better than them.. They just simply jealous of your life and try to push you down to your knee.. I'm tired facing those fake faced.. You always mentions that others not believing in you, stab you, and against you.. Have you turn to their side and think what makes them do those things to you.? Is it really your personalities got problems.? Have you ever think of evaluate yourself.? I'm not going to judge you because I'm not believing in you anymore.. You not worth it.. The moral value for the lesson is that, no matter how strong you are, you still will being influenced by your peer and your surrounding.. That's the force which push you to change.. It's only you didn't realized that you already changed and not others have change.. 

GOD, only You know what the situation I'm having now.. Only You, who will always by my side.. I would like to say thank You so much as You never forsaken me and You gave me my earthly family who always take care of me and listen to me when I needed to talk to someone.. GOD, You will never make me fail as everything on earth are Yours.. Your timing are the best and Your planned will always success.. Oh LORD, please continue to bless me and provide me with everything that I needed.. Thank You, LORD for hearing to my prayer.. Thank You, FATHER for always be with me.. 

hard time..

what a hard time that i having now.. no one will understand what situation that i am standing at.. not even my family members know everything about me.. people used to be selfish.. no matter what had happen, is none of their business.. i should just become like that.. everything that happen to them, also none of my business...

what the hell is happening to me, LORD..? have You forsaken me..? have You forgot about me.? now, i'm in a very hard situation, and all i want is Your help.. but never that i seen miracles happen to me.. is it i have done something wrong that LORD, You don't loves me anymore.. if so, my belief should be a wrong belief.. i thought that GOD will have mercy, abundantly loves... i'd repent, LORD.. and i have ask for Holy Spirit.. i always hope that miracles will happen to me.. but nothing happen to me and all things just become worst... i'm not as tough as You thought about me.. i'm just a normal guy who live in a reality world.. i am tired to live like this.. if You want me to be in this situation until i die.. why don't You just take my spirit away and let it be done just like this.. why do You still want me to suffer like this..? i thought i have choose the right path that You are delighted with... i thought every thing were under Your planned.. but it seems like none of its are right.. it is better me to leave the world now than to suffer this much...

A tough semester..

what a tough semester that i have.. have to face financial problem, have to "see others face color".. yes, i know i am poor and you are rich.. but you also not better than me.. just borrow something from you and have to hear to many bad words from you.. then when you ask me to help you carry this carry that, have i say something bad about you.. use your mind please.. the action that you did, just make me feel you are selfish and untrustworthy.. and i won't trust you anymore.. i will not borrow anything from you again.. weather i have the things or not, no... i don't care about it.. as no one care about me.. just let it be..

live alone far from home and no one understand what i feel, what i need, and what i have done, is just the worst feeling that i have.. many people ask me that why you so thin oh..? at kk nothing to eat meh..? what can i answer.? can i just answer that yes, kk have things to eat but i don't have money to buy the food only mah.. when i said i don't have money, people look at me and thought that i just joking.. i never joke about it.. i really don't have money to buy food and goods for my daily need.. do you think i wish to become a thin man.? do you think that i don't want to grow fat..? you know nothing and please do not joke with me.. i never think about to diet.. it just that i don't have money to buy foods and goods.. everything in kk not as cheap as you thought.. you know nothing about me and please shut the fuck up.. yes, you guys are lucky that don't have to face any financial problems as you guys are rich and can go anywhere that you like.. and tease me as a village boy that know nothing.. just tease as many as you want.. when until i reach my limits, then you will regret what you have done...

First week for teaching practical...

Finally, i have pass through the first week of teaching practical.. maybe long time didn't wake up early during school time, quite lazy to wake up early in the morning.. thinking back of my past, i felt that i am really blessed that i can learn a lot during school time.. nowadays, the children are quite naughty and hard to control.. i thought a top school may have better quality students.. although some are very good in behavior and also attitude.. yet, still there are some who are very naughty.. yes, of course that they live in a comfortable way of life that just their parents raise their living.. i can't imagine myself in teaching this kind of students for the next 11 weeks.. everyday have to be very patience with them.. is it a trial that GOD want to test me..? i'm even more stress and mess up everything when i have prepared the daily lesson plan but mentor asking me to do in her job.. it mess up my flow of teaching.. yes, i know that i should be flexible all the time.. yet, when my lecturer who come to survey my teaching practical, i have to stick to the plan that i have prepared.. what i can do is just try my very best and let HOLY SPIRIT to lead me all the time..

oh ya...
Dear Heavenly FATHER,

i just want to take an opportunity to simply say thank you to YOU.. i have a great chinese new year for this year.. it is an awesome trip to mabul island.. snorkeling, eat and play.. i really enjoy the trip and it is really relax.. thank you that YOU provided me the chance to go to mabul island.. besides that, i do have a great time to enjoy with my family and friends during chinese new year.. it's been a long time.. although the happy moment passing very fast, still i would like to say thank you for YOUR blessing... LORD, please do continue to bless my family with Love, Joy, Peace, Hope and Health.. and please provided to my family everything that they need.. LORD, YOU are merciful and kind to us.. YOU loves us.. YOU protect us.. YOU are just everything to me, LORD.. i summit to YOU, my life.. guide me and lead me to walk in the path that YOU have prepared for me.. i am weak but YOU is strong, LORD.. strengthen me.. and provide me everything that i need, LORD.. in JESUS mighty name, i ask and pray... Amen..

finish examination lur...

Dear GOD

Thanks GOD..  thank you so much that You have blessed me so much by grant me wisdom and also accompany me for all the while... i know that You never leave me alone.. i know that You always by my side when i need You.. when i need hug, You will give me warm.. when i cry, You will give me Your shoulder.. when i smile, You are more happier than me.. when i need comfort, You always there with me... LORD, i believe in this world, only You who know me very well... no one in the world know what i need most... only You, LORD who know my heart.. i surrender myself to You, LORD... i will carry all my burden to You.. You know that all my situation.. You know that i can't make it through without You... 

oh LORD, my GOD.. You are the only One who i can share all of my feelings and thoughts... no one will understand my feelings and thoughts... yes, i know i'm poor.. i know is it tough for me to live alone here.. i know everything will need money... and i just will know to take money from my family.. of course i know my family facing a lot of debts... but what can i do...? i just can do nothing.. i'm such a useless guy... do u think that i'll happy to borrow money from friend.? do u think i'm feel good to ask...? but what to do..? as long as i have pay it.. u think u're rich and u can say anything and act like u're the big one..? you are just nothing to me and i act like nothing not because i timid, is because i don't want to have argument with you.. i keep silents doesn't means you are the boss... i just don't want to fight with you.. i keep be patience is just because i know myself very well... LORD, You are our only Supplier.. You know what my family needs.. You know what is the best for my family.. please help my family, LORD...

LORD, i need You, LORD.. i always do... i never think to back to myself last time.. i have a hard time always in my life.. although i'm not the worst in the world.. but i do always have a tough time to pass through.. is it Your will for me..? if it is, LORD, i want to ask when will it end..? i'm too tired to carry on .. i'm too tired to walk in such path.. it is tough.. LORD, i know that You always bless me and always by my side to hold me up.. when i fall down, You bring me up.. when i'm thirst, You fill my cup... LORD, now, i'm dry.. my soul is weak.. i'm being attack by darkness.. every time i want to draw nearer to You, they pursue me farther.. i'm weak FATHER, please strengthen me.. lead me through.. Amen..

                                                                                                                                             leaf chin

New life...

Dear GOD

It's new year,2012, that i have to live through it by my final examination first... thanks GOD because You gave me past a great Christmas and new year... although sometimes i feel that i'm lonely, but i know that GOD, You always by my side... and thanks again that You, LORD had lead me through last year by blessing, protection, and trials... although the year 2011 fill with joyful, sadness and challenges, but i know all this are comes from You.. because You want to shape my life to become more and more like JESUS.. to become a warrior who fight for CHRIST... this year, i hope that i can draw closer to You, LORD.. please grant me strength and wisdom to stand firm in CHRIST and to fight for CHRIST... let nothing stop me from being get closer to You, LORD... protect me and my family as well... for You, LORD are almighty and creator of heaven and earth... let all glory and praises be to You.. GOD, teach me to humble myself, just like JESUS humble Himself... let Your HOLY SPIRIT fill me and be my teacher to guild me all the way... may Your will be done on earth as in heaven.. thank you, LORD... Amen...