倒霉。。。。

突然间觉得自己很倒霉。。。为什么我去到那里，那里的电器都坏了。。。上次，在牧师家过了4天。。。热水器坏了，两辆车；一辆教堂车，朋友不小心的弄到。。需要RM 450 来弄回它。。。另一辆是牧师的车，我只是架过一次。。电池竟然在牧师回那天坏了。。。又弄了RM 140。。。现在，在教堂里住。。。热水器又坏了。。。抽风机也坏了。。。是我的错吗。。?我记得我没有开它，要开的时候竟然不能用。。。上帝啊，为什么要这样来试探我啊。。。？教堂已经没钱去修理那些电器了。。。为何要将来对我。。。。？我很不明白。。。。为何要这样来试探我。。。。？难道我侍奉你是错的。。？为何你要使用魔鬼来攻击我。。。？上帝啊，你在那啊。。？我很需要你。。。。我很脆弱。。。。。我很累了。。。想找个肩膀，躺下来。。。你在哪里啊。。。？

很累。。。。。

为何我那么本。。？明知他们当我是傻佬，我还要出忍他们。。？真的很气。。。已经够累了，还要送他们回。。。。就快要倒下了。。。

神阿，我很累了。。。快要承不住了。。。要如何才能够依靠你而活呢。。？难道我就那么就一生了吗。。。？你曾经对世人舍命。。。你的宝血紫盖了我们的罪。。。但我还是犯了罪。。。神阿，要如何才能够活的像你一样。。？

27th July, 2010 ( Tuesday )

today not a hard day for me... coz just doing something easy such as driving and carrying... however, i just almost faint down from stair as i carrying things up to 2nd floor for several turns....

我很佩服那些能够带着面具还能够毫无压力的人。。。因他们能够，欢喜快乐的在人家面前但自己却在忍着痛苦的表情在心里。。。我也是其中一个这样的人。。。。但是却觉得很辛苦。。。。。很想很想真的大声地喊出来。。。。。但是我知道我不能。。。。人家看我好像什么事都没有。。。。因我表面看起来还没有“睡下”。。。如果我真的“睡下”了，就一了百了。。。人说：“吃巧克力会让人开心点”。。。而我说：“对我没有效”。。。 吃了，那烦恼和痛苦也还是存在。。。难道，吃了巧克力就可以决绝问题的吗。。？ 问题还是存在啊。。。它就好像影子一生跟着你。。。。
当我需要你的时候，你却不在。。。。突然间，习惯了这样的寂寞。。。习惯了一个人过生活。。。不是很想谈添了。。。人也变得更安静。。。这样也好，不用讲错话的最小人。。。阿欣鼓励我不要放弃，谢谢你的鼓励。。但是，我的心却早已放弃了。。。很抱歉。。。还有，我赞成你的说法：人却想起朋友当他们看见他们的生日日期。。。说已我才说“他们会找借口”。。。阿妮啊，朋友是记在心里。。。但有几个人能做到呢。。？人为财死，妮你应该听过吧。。。人通常都是很忙。。。忙得连吃饭也没时间。。。何况说要记的朋友呢。。。？加上,人的记忆却可以记得几多呢。。？还有啊，如果我不向好的想，我想我早就不在人间了。。。妮，你每次都说：“everything will be ok”。。。但是真的那么简单吗。。？ 说到关心，我真的没心趣了。。。人很喜欢说：“要付出，不要计较那么多。。。” 而我说：“人本性就是自私的。。。要他们付出，就等于要他们的命”。。。还有啊，若你没有“收入”何来付出。。。若你只是付出，您的灵也会累。。。人终是需要别人关心而鼓励才有自信。。。。而我呢，我的自信终会被人破坏及粉碎。。。。我的信心已经离开了我很久了。。。所以阿，我才那么的保护我自己。。。无论如何，谢谢你们的问候及关心。。。

finally i realize that....

i have no fren at all.... sometime i think is that my fault..? or should i change myself..? i just dunno why.... do i really so annoying..? do i really damn hated by others..? when i open my msn, although i'm available.. but no one will chat with me 1st.. all also me find them 1st.... haiz... sometime make me so lazy to chat edi... although i would like to chat... then some of them, i know that they dun wan to chat with me... and bcoz dun wanna hurt me, then macam i forcing them to chat... if dun wanna chat, just tell me... haiz.... 有人说，“有珍惜眼前人”。。。但是，那些去了念书的朋友了。。？会有人珍惜吗。。？会有人想到他们吗。。？朋友，这是知道那些看到的。。看不到的就可以忘了。。。嘴巴只是会说，心里想念。。但事实是如此吗。。？实现是你忘了你看不到的朋友。。只是找借口来取代你的善忘。。。。。。。。 还有些只会在后面讲人的人。。。 我也是人。。。所以我知道人在想什么。。。 不要当我是傻的。。。我不说不代表我不介意。。。如果很不喜欢的话，可以直接肯我讲。。。不要在我后边讲。。。讲了，说声对不起就可以忘了吗。。？你的对不起很大啊。。？杀了人，说声对不起是不是可以没设。。？那么不喜欢的话，去那刀砍我拉。。。砍死我就一了百了。。。反正我没有意思想要活。。。对我来说，更好。。。不用想那么多。。。也可以不用手那么多的苦难和寂寞。。。
朋友是拿来出卖和利用的。。。我现在才知道。。实在太迟了。。。被人利用了那么久在发现。。。真的很笨。。。什么好人有好报。。全部都是骗人的。。。好人只是会被人当傻佬利用。。。有人说我很好。。。好听点，就是好人咯。。。难听的就是傻佬及笨蛋。。。。阿妮说我“frenly”，我说“I make ppl hate me"。。。 我知道上帝不会要我好过。。。那我就难过点。。。辛苦点。。。没朋友不是没朋友拉。。。有什么大不了。。。一个人总比朋友出卖的好。。。一个人，又不用考虑那么多。。。。。反正，又不会死的。。。。死了更好。。。可以取我天上的父哪里去。。。。没有忧虑。。。没有烦恼。。。。

is totally deep depressing.....

i have been told what i dun wan to hear..... did i really that bad..? did i really dunno how to choose a good timing..? what have i done also not enough.... i just dun understand.... whatever, that's not important anymore... although it is hurt.. but never mind... coz i won't... and i will not..... to make myself better... since i am bad to u guys... so i just continue to be bad.... just wanna be a very very bad guy... and become the people u think me is.... i will continue it....

Monday at Rev's house...

wow... today, just a tired day... and it is so sudden... today afternoon suddenly raining cats and dogs.... i back from uni, become "lok tong gai" liao.... then can't even see the front for 1 meter clearly... when i stop the car, the car shaking when the wind blew... mean that the wind was too strong.... i quite scare if the car being blow away... hahaha... quite idiot thinking.... the house was unfortunately flooded... and my "biao mei" and me have to clean up the flooded... of coz, she doing the most things.. i just make some carrying things... and we are manage to clean up the house... thanks to God that He blessed us.... thanks to God.....

badminton night

woohoo.... just now have chance go to play badminton lur.... feel so release after exercise... long time i din exercise edi... since i came to kk study, it is really dun have place and time for me to exercise.. wanna play basketball, dun have ball and court... wanna jogging, dunno jog at where... wanna go to gym, dunno where got.... haahaahaa.. now finally can make some sweat.... after playing badminton, go to tanjung aru yum cha... yummy yummy.... so enjoy.... the abc ice-cream and coconut.... yeah..... thanks God for supplying everything..... please continue to bless our Reverend... please grant him wisdom of Yours as he may raise up the churches that he in-charging at now and supply everything that he need...

tiring.....

today so so so so so tired.... woke up at 6am and started to "serve" untill 7pm.... however, i have learn something about habitat... and i looking forward for future of it... and i feel that the habitat were so awesome.. coz they are just helping as volunteer... the volunteer coming around the world... it is just awesome... although it is only helping to build a roof under a family head... but it is very meaningful for many people as us who take things granted.... and it means a lot for those who are poor.... this organization is very awesome... they are helping the poor.... of coz, the people will pay for them... but it is without interest and pay according to their ability, little bit by little bit until they finish pay... this can help them a lot.... thanks God for bring those guys in help... bless them richly God... so that they may glorify Your greatest name.....