心碎了。。

我的心碎了。。。很不明白。。。为什么每次都会爱上不因该爱的人。。？爱了，却不能够收回。。。伤了。。真的很伤。。上帝啊，为什么每次都是这样。。？到底你在哪里。。？难道你忘了我了吗。？寂寞，孤独，痛苦，哀伤。。。有谁能够帮助我。。。？每当我需要你的时候，却感受不到你。。。难道这是一个考验。。？我累了，求你拿去我的灵魂。。。我认输了。。我不想再撑下去了。。。

First (City Harvest Church)

Do appearance important...!!?

do appearance important for a person..? yes, it do in the reality world we live in... most of the christian said that "no"... because God's look into the heart of a person and not appearance... but actually, how many people can be like God who does only look into heart of a person..? the answer is no one....even the the family in Christ also will do the same... look for appearance... i not just simply say it, but i have experience it... ya, i know.. I'm not handsome... but how can a sister who just learn in the morning about that a son/daughter of God shouldn't look for appearance.. but at the night, when a program started, and u look for appearance..? is that what we actually act..? is that how we're going to do..? if yes, means that we're just like the other person who without God in their heart...

do there any laws state that "if a guy/girl have girl/boy friend and other people shouldn't fall on them"? is there a law like this.? what the hack is that 3 8 girls always gossip..? what the matter with u guys.? can't i love someone who have boyfriend..? i din mean to make them break.? i do just like the girls ma.. is that breaking any laws..? what the matter with u guys that even i like her or not..? is that your problems with it..? i know i am not looking good... but is that a sin..? is it because of i am not looking good that u have to gossip about me...

about deceiving... priest said that God will not deceive people.. yes, i know... but people do like to deceive.. even i myself everyday deceive myself.... i tired of wearing the mask of smile... everyday have to smile to people that act like nothing happen and happy for everything...  everyone should know that no one will always be happy forever, lives should have "uphills" and "downhills".... then how can a person will be happy forever..? a pastor told me that "leaf, try to not to destroy your good image.. u as a christian should be take good care of your image.." well, i would like to take care of my image.. but it is a hard task to do it.. i wanna destroy it because i dun wanna make any gossip again.. ya, i know that shouldn't be because it will lead to a negative testimony to people....

about spiritual life.. everyone should have their own spiritual lives.. i myself have too.. but it is drying... pastor told me that we should give, give and give... because the people who give will be joyful... no matter how full is the spirit in your life, u will be dry if u din have any "income" for it... the income here is the comfort, the encouragement, and the support... people will usually say that "i will always support you".. but how many of them do actually mean it..? i dunno about it.. but for me, sure no one will mean it... because i do believe people will forget about me... i'm sure should have frens told the God never forget about me.. ya, i know this truth... my senses are not good enough to sense the present God... i dun have that higher spiritual life that can sense any of the spirit and Spirit of God...

have u ever think about...

have u ever think about my feeling..? y every time also i am the one who suffer... i do have my own feeling... i have my own need.... y u ever try to think about me.. y everything i also have to do according to ur will.... y.... y.... Y........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????? i am sick of it edi....

Why...!!!!?

Why everything that i do also not like by others..? why there must gossip about everything i do wherever i am....? do i really so annoyed and so dislike by others..? when frens just sms, then must be have "something" de mah..?

Leaf, Leaf.... next time better dun sms with other ppl.... no matter how u are.. keep it yourself.... just keep it inside urself... do not review it out... and do not share it out... throw ur phone away and keep silent... no matter how hard is it, keep it yourself... so that there's no other ppl's mouth may "kill" u.... everything also is ur fault.... just keep it, save it and remember it... nothing that u do will like by others.... make urself fool only.... no matter what had happen, just wearing the mask of smile..... the mask of smile may help u to be hypocrite.... can help u to deceive urself.... u have to lie to urself... just because of that, u may help urself to escape from everything... let the shadow follow u until u are died... u can not wash away the shadow u have..... u just be the outer side of u... u cannot be the inner side of u... in this kind of world, u can't open up ur heart to socialize with ppl.... u have to close it and be a cold animal... protect urself.... protect urself, and be strong to hold the door to close it... u need to life inside ur world only... no need to show up urself to the world... be a hypocrite person..... cheat, deceive, hypocrite...... may help u to survive in the world... to survive in the cruel world, be a cruel cold blood animal.... remember that u're a cold blood animal..... dun be sympathize to anyone else but urself only.... no one will sympathy u.... no one else will understand what inside u... only urself know it... only urself can understand urself.... there's no one will take "heart" with u.... is okay if u are alone... there's no one can be believe in.... when there's ppl, there's everything will happen... just keep move on alone... it will make u tough... make u miserable... u can cope with it since u edi used to it....

y there are still childish ppl... age oledy nearly 20 wah..... how come mind be a childish one..? can't they be mature a bit..? it can't joke, then say la... if can't except news concept say la.... no need to use the other way.. just straight forward..... better than u using the alternative... childish.....