problems....

in few more days i gonna back to kk for my study life... i dunno what kind of feeling is this.... i feel like go to kk... at the same time, i miss sdk too... have some ppl ask me, when am i going back sdk... and my answer is maybe at the end of this year or didn't back... i just feel that, now, i like dun have a belonging place... i dun have any place to stay... what a feeling..? haiz... why such a feeling fall on me.... ppl always said that the eldest always feel happy and xin fu... but i not think so as i am the eldest in my family.... just bcoz i'm the eldest, i dun have the right to do any decision in family..? just bcoz i'm the eldest, i dun have the right to make right to the wrong of the older...? just bcoz i'm the eldest, i have to give everything to the older and can't claim any back..? what the hack am i living at..? God, please tell me, in which way that You wanna shape me..? do i really can carry on with this burden..? sometimes is really hard for me to act happy and xin fu in front of others... wearing a mask which i dun like to live about.. but i have too.... just to cover the family problems of mine... is hard... but i have to keep on... is hard, but i have to do it... is hard, but i have to carry it on my shoulder... although i know it will make me fall down... but God, i believe in You... i know that You will give me strength... God, let me feel You that beside me... i know Your love is perfect.. You love me... God, there's no one love me, is not an obstacle for me... bcoz i know You love me... there's no one care me, is not an obstacle for me... bcoz i know that You care for me... no one will choose me.. but i know You do choose me... O God, my Lord... please strengthen me.... please lead me through... no one knows about me, but You know about me... You know every single things about me in details... change me... shape me... so that i will be more like You....