time to study lor....

tomolo back to kk lor... need to recollect the heart of studying.... just think about the 6 hours driving make me faint.... what can do..? hahahaha... just thinking nonsense and important things... maybe watch anime too many edi.... why can't ppl in realistic learn flying like dragon ball do... hahahaha.... so childish.... haiz... quite of missing.... i am miss someone who dunno i miss her... haahaahaa.... sometimes i think that it is a good ways to love her too... just care about her..... but there's nothing i can do for her since we're far away.... what i can do is ask her fren to care of her for me... ^^... as long as she happy, everything will be fine.... Lord God... please bless her and her family as well..... although i dunno that do she is the one who You planned for me or not... but You know everything in my heart... You know every little single heartbeat of my heart... please blessed us have a great relationship with You.... coz i know that, without You in me... i'm nothing... Your love make perfection in our lives... God, teach me to love... teach me to obey.... i need You..... Lord, bless her and me..... so that each day, we're closer and closer with each other and with You.....

problems....

in few more days i gonna back to kk for my study life... i dunno what kind of feeling is this.... i feel like go to kk... at the same time, i miss sdk too... have some ppl ask me, when am i going back sdk... and my answer is maybe at the end of this year or didn't back... i just feel that, now, i like dun have a belonging place... i dun have any place to stay... what a feeling..? haiz... why such a feeling fall on me.... ppl always said that the eldest always feel happy and xin fu... but i not think so as i am the eldest in my family.... just bcoz i'm the eldest, i dun have the right to do any decision in family..? just bcoz i'm the eldest, i dun have the right to make right to the wrong of the older...? just bcoz i'm the eldest, i have to give everything to the older and can't claim any back..? what the hack am i living at..? God, please tell me, in which way that You wanna shape me..? do i really can carry on with this burden..? sometimes is really hard for me to act happy and xin fu in front of others... wearing a mask which i dun like to live about.. but i have too.... just to cover the family problems of mine... is hard... but i have to keep on... is hard, but i have to do it... is hard, but i have to carry it on my shoulder... although i know it will make me fall down... but God, i believe in You... i know that You will give me strength... God, let me feel You that beside me... i know Your love is perfect.. You love me... God, there's no one love me, is not an obstacle for me... bcoz i know You love me... there's no one care me, is not an obstacle for me... bcoz i know that You care for me... no one will choose me.. but i know You do choose me... O God, my Lord... please strengthen me.... please lead me through... no one knows about me, but You know about me... You know every single things about me in details... change me... shape me... so that i will be more like You....

where's my home...?

Where's my home..? i really need to ask this question... sandakan..? kk..? Good Shepherd..? Logos..? i really dunno... after since when i back that i have to solve so many kinds of problem that comes out just because of one item.... why should all ppl will die because of this item...? without this item, really will die meh..? i just don't understand...

the old always true about what they talk about..? is there no other alternatives..? why..!!? why....!!? WHY...!!!??? already know that cigarettes and alcohols may hurt and damage body systems... why still wanna take its...? already so mature enough wah... why still think like children...? why wanna make other suffer because of ur sake...? haiz.... i really dun understand... the eldest will be always wrong... and the oldest will always right... what the perspective nowadays.... and i'm suffer a lot because i'm the eldest... ppl around may always guess that i was the happiest coz parents will love me most... i know that they love me.. but not the most loh.. okay... there's no one know one secret about me... and there's really no one that i can share off beside share it with God... What shall i do...? what shall i do to overcome this...

can anyone give me a hand..?

Lord God, Almighty and righteous... i dunno what had happen to me and my life... of coz and also my family.... do this is a trial that You wanna test me..? or just an attack from the satan... i really dunno how much longer can i stand firm... i really dunno i can carry the burden till when... i really really very tired... Lord God, You're almighty.. Nothing that You can't do... please help me... renew my strength...

satan, y me..? y do u pick me and attack me one time and other... what have i done that make u attack me...? i do believe u won't win against me... you do know it also... if u wan, just attack me.. and dun ever hurt my family becoz of my sake... just attack me in front of me... u evildoer, just know how to play cheat... useless little evil... just attact me with ur army... ur army will not larger than God's armies... God's armies are stronger than ur weak and useless army... u won't have change to win against me as my God's is helping me to fight against u...

Lord God, Lamb of God.... Lead me through and supply me with everything my family need... i pray that God, You will change my dad's life... You will touch his heart... and once again i announce that my family belongs to You, God... please help my family to solve the problem we face now... i can't ask help from others but only You... God, hear my crying.. please God, listen to my heart....

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry as i have bring a lot of problems to you... please, just forget about what i've done... i know is my fault... u have nothing wrong with me... just only i've misunderstanding... and think too much about something... i'm sorry... i know that i've annoying you and make you have a lot of problem.... that's my fault... not yours.. no need to blame yourself to comfort me... not your fault at all... it problem is start from me... and i should be the one who settle it... although it should use a lot of time to settle it... and i not sure i can do it or not... but i'll try my best to solve it and won't disturb u anymore.... i know i can't use moody or sad as an excuse... but i really do... just hope u can forgive me... i should learn how to disclose myself no matter how the situation is... i have to learn how to wear the mask in real life... although that is what i don't like for real... but i think i have to learn it... for the sake of others...

What has happening,,,?

What the hack is going on..? why every time when i back sure got something that i dun wish will happen...? God... i know it is a trial for me and my family... but can have a "discount" for it..? it is quite a pain when i saw my mum that very hard and burden... and it is more painful when i can't do anything to help it... there's something always comes to my mind... "should i come back?" I know i should praise the Lord in the hardest time now... but it is really a hard task to do it... plus, i can't do it fully with my heart.. God, i know You want all of me... can You teach me how..? i really dunno how... it is a great pain when i heard such story for the past several months... plus there's something happen to me also... what are the great trial comes one and another... is there really no resting time..? y must i be the one who face this circumstances..? y should be me..? am i have enough strength and stamina to carry on such a hard burden..? i know i'm not the worst... but i not as good as they think also... everyone got their own problems.. that is y when there is somethings happen, i silent myself... i dun wan other help me... coz i know they can't do anything also to help... O Lord, i really have a hard time now.... listen to my heart as i speak to You... Listen to my crying.... You have promise that You will look after me... please, help me....... it is a really hard time for me..... sometimes i wish i can really faster go to Your side by just a second time... i know i should blame no one but myself... coz i'm useless... i'm useless... i'm damn depressing now.... no one can helping me..... God, You know all about me... Lend me Your hand...

finally...

finally i can relax now... at least for several weeks... hahaha.... i'm going to back my "home" real soon... i miss my home... and also sdk.... and of coz not least is her... although i know she won't miss me.. or even won't think about me for one second.... but never mind la... she got her own choices also... the result although is quite hurt.. but what can i do to help it..? i think back.. at last actually is nothing i can do also... coz i know, no matter what i do, there for sure got people do a lot of nonsense things behind my back.... why my life got so many back stapper..? what have i done that make u guys dun like me..? why must always ruin my life..? i know i'm weak... i alone can't fight against plenty of u... but if i wan, at least i can beat one of u... then worst i lay at hospital la... i just really dun understand.. just straight come to me and talk about me.. dun talk behind ppl.. once you do, there must got ppl do the same thing u've done... haiz... suan le ba.. if u guys wanna talk it... just talk until u guys enough....